The big V - reversed?

We saw Dr. Labasky, Matt's urologist, for a consult on April 21.
Talking to him did clear up a couple questions I had - but it did not help make a decision.

The second Matt told me that he was leaning toward having the reversal done and having another baby seemed to be the second that I really began to swing in the opposite direction.
Of course, I'd made my pro/con list before that and had decided that logically, the best decision was to be done with babies, but it really was when he said he thought he wanted another that I started to feel like I didn't.

Anyway, in the days before the appointment I started to feel like going was a waste of time - that we shouldn't do it.
Ironic - that's how I felt about the vasectomy, lol!
We decided that it wouldn't hurt anything to talk to him, so we went.
It was a thoroughly unpleasant experience!
The appointment was for 1:30, not too long after lunch, which should have been a good time.
It wasn't.
We ended up waiting in the waiting room for an hour and a half. We actually had to call Becki, who was watching Asher, and ask her to pick Tessa up from school for us becuase we wouldn't be there in time.
The waiting room was hot and stuffy and, worst of all, filled with the elderly. We're talking can't hear - can't pee - can't see OLD. And they were loud and ornery - which is how I know they couldn't pee. I was ready to bolt 20 minutes in, lol.
It was a long, miserable wait with nothing but a Better Homes and Gardens to read. *shudder*

When we finally saw the doc it took about 6 minutes. He's a great guy, and he made fun of us a bit, but answered all our questions and was reassuring.
He doesn't do too many reversals, I think he said maybe a dozen a year? But they've all been successful, and most are someone else's work, not his own.
He said the biggest risk of the surgery is that it doesn't work. That was a relief to me - I didn't want to risk impotence or...anything...
The post-surgery recovery is similar to when he had the vasectomy - he has to rest a couple of days, wear a jock strap for a few weeks, abstain from sex for 4 weeks. That will be a challenge. We wanted to know exactly WHY - after all, they tell you 6 weeks after having a baby, and we know that's not necessary...
Apparently it's to keep the stitches from ripping. Ouch! Sounds like he might be able to hold back...for that.

Anyway, it was reassuring to know that he is so often successful - I'd hate to pay for the reversal and have it not work. Of course, there's still a chance of that, but it's good to know the risk is low. It's also reassuring to know that he won't be hurt by the proceedure. Permanently, anyway ;)

I just can't decide.
I really, REALLY can't.
After the appointment with the doctor we gave ourselves 3 weeks - until Tessa's Birthday - to think, but not necessarily talk, about it.
Should be enough time, right? Ha!

For the few weeks after the consult I really felt like I was against it. More and more by the day. So I finally vocalized that to Matt the afternoon of Tessa's Birthday party.
Even saying it out loud was hard. And just after I said it I wanted to take it back. Not because I felt differently - but because I didn't feel ready to MAKE the decision.
That's kind of the conclusion that we came to. That we don't have to decide right this second - we can wait a while.
But, really, I feel like we do. I don't want to get pregnant after 30, and it takes time after the surgery to conceive.

If I were to miss my next period...find out I was pregnant naturally - by some miracle - I'd be thrilled. Seriously, I don't think I'd have one minute of regret.
But I don't think that means it's what I want...or what's right...
I know that doesn't make any sense.

I still feel more against the idea than for it, but I'd say the ratio is close to 65-45.
I guess all I can do is wait, at this point, to feel surer about either wanting it, or not. I'm just afraid that's never going to happen.
And I hate waiting. I much prefer doing.

I don't know that I feel done having kids.
But I don't know that I'm willing to pay $4000 for the reversal, baby Matt through the recovery, try to get pregnant, be totally miserable for 9 months, then go through the nightmare of post-partum weight loss and the uncomfortable adjustment period that comes when you bring a new baby home...
Talking about it doesn't help. It's definitely a feeling thing.

What I'm most afraid of is that I'll never be able to decide, and so by default we won't ever do it...and then I'll regret it later.